Chapter 5 - Southern Europe - perfect night

I had a bit of an incident with a persistent Spaniard in a restaurant last night, finally insulting him in French to shake him off, but not really even knowing what I said. It shook me up and I felt like crying. Just when I was thinking I was doing quite well! I haven’t cried for days and now I am all shaky and teary. You always made me feel safe, confident and protected. Now I feel vulnerable and weak, something I hadn’t felt since I was a teenager. If I was younger I’d call up ‘Fakira the brave’, but it’s hard to believe in her now. Every day seems such a fight. Two steps forward and another step back.


Sometimes I wonder how you could have loved me at all. I’m always second guessing myself, doing one thing, then going over and over it in my mind afterwards to determine whether or not I should have done something else. How on earth did I manage as a teacher those four years, knowing what to teach and how to teach it? Of course I went over and over each lesson at home first, and of course if anything unexpected happened I would replay it in my head that night to see if I could have handled it any better, but then the next day there were new lessons and new unexpected things so one day never lasted long in my head.


You always told me I should have more confidence in myself, that I shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think. What my mother thinks. I tried so hard to be better. And you must admit I did in the time we were together. But my system suffered a severe blow when you left me and I’m having a hard time not blaming myself. I question whether there was something I could have done better so you would be here now.


At down times like this I call upon one of my good memories. This time it was the camping trip we went on with the “Carousel” gang. Everyone met over at my place, but you came over earlier because I had a broken door handle and you had offered to fix it for me. I hid by my window so that I could see you arrive and when you came walking up the path, my heart did a little jump. Your black hair was tousled and you were wearing that green tee shirt of yours, my favourite one, and those tight jeans that made you look even leaner than you were. You were whistling and I thought, ‘This guy is so utterly gorgeous and he’s coming to see me!’


At the campsite we put up four big tents and built the most enormous fire ring by the lakeshore, spending the whole day and dusk sitting around that fire, drinking good beer and bad wine, laughing and talking. Talking about the theatre and books and music and travel and the world and the heavens! It felt wonderful to be young and blithe, able to shake off our daytime personas as teachers and nurses and bank managers, and be amateur artists and students of the world together. At one point the whole thing swelled up in me and I had to walk down to the water, close my eyes and just listen to everyone talking animatedly, feel the soft breeze on my face. When I opened my eyes I saw a few sparkling lights from houses across the bay, and a sky enormous with the light of ten thousand stars. I thought life could never get any better than at that moment.

Gradually some of the group went to bed but I don’t know how anyone could possibly sleep away one moment of this time together. After awhile it became obvious that there was only one vacant tent left and that we were the only two to fill it and I got a rush of shyness. I just wasn’t ready for anything really big yet. We’d only just met. My heart pounded while we stayed up and talked some more, the fire now a throbbing orange glow. Then, without another word you picked me up and carried me to the tent, setting me down in one sleeping bag while you climbed into the other. You let me off the hook, but lay down beside me. I was so grateful and relaxed immediately. But not in a sleepy way. Oh no, my heart was beating in lurches and I could feel the excitement of lying in darkness next to a man I felt such attraction to. Sleep was not on either mind it seemed. I was so aware of your body two layers of fabric away. I could feel its motions and smell its scent, the darkness heightening my senses and emotion. We whispered the whole rest of the night in the dark, about our thoughts and dreams, breath inches away from each other’s lips. Every once in a while we’d hear a loud snore from one of the other tents and we’d stop, laugh and start our whispered conversation again. All night. Night never went by so swiftly nor so perfectly. Just as it was getting light, you leaned over and kissed me, full on the lips for so many minutes. I just closed my eyes and felt my heart beat against the skin in my throat. We each lay back to watch the sun’s progress over the roof of the tent, not saying anything. I could feel the pressure of your lips on mine for hours. I can feel it yet.