Yesterday my pension landlady wanted me to pay for a week’s worth regardless of how long I actually stay. She was short tempered and after taking my passport as insurance she directed me to a bank in town. Of course it was closed being Sunday. All the banks were closed and I spent my whole day trying to accomplish something that was unaccomplishable. I know she doesn’t know me and probably gets loads of travelers coming and going, many of whom might not be honest, but I’ve never really had anyone doubt me before. When I think about it, I guess I have never had to prove myself to anyone before. I grew up in one place and have always lived there. The people I went to university with were mostly the people I went to school with and the only new people I have met in the last few years are the people I worked with. And you of course.It’s a bit of a blow to the ego. I can’t say, “Look, it’s me! I’m good for it. I’m clean and educated and generally a good person. Here’s a picture of my family and here’s one of my old cat and this…. this is – was - my boyfriend – yes he is handsome isn’t he?”
Oh damn, there go the waterworks again. Okay, I’m fine now. If I just swallow it inside and blink a lot I’m fine.
On reflection, being unknown is a bit like having a secret. I could be anyone. I can say anything and no one will be surprised that such things come out of my mouth. Cut adrift yet free at the same time. Occasionally I even find myself a little excited about my next destination or the day’s activities, or catch myself smiling at something I overheard or read or saw, and it shocks me. Could it be that I will – could - feel happiness again? That’s a little scary. And exhausting. I don’t want to even think about it. So much easier to concern myself only with ‘Now’. Where am I going to sleep? What am I going to eat? Do I have enough cash in the right currency? What time is the train east? How much are these postcards? Head down, do the time.
Anyway, today I could pay my landlady, who suddenly became all friendly and hugged me like I was her niece.
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