chapter 8 - a kind of ending

When I got back Babby and Auntie Galina were all still at it. Amazing. Can it be Babby has found her match? Actually, it was more a duel of monologues than a dialogue. Her accent has deepened, more Russian, less Danish. The thing I will remember most of this trip is the sound of two old gals in the kitchen talking and singing away before breaking off in a peal of girlie giggling.

Without thinking further I put in the call, even though I could feel my courage waver and my stomach flutter.

“Oh Dad, hi, it’s me. I just wanted to let you know about Babby’s flight times.” My relief was overwhelming. I could just pass on the message to Dad and deal with Mom another time.

“I’ll put your mother on.”

“Wait, I could just tell you… Oh. Hi Mom.”

“Your father said you’re calling about the flights. What’s happened? Has something changed?”

“No, no the flights are the same. Everything’s just fine. I’m just confirming.”

“Oh. Well.”

“You won’t be late will you? Babby will be tired after the long flight and will want to be met right on time.”

“Why do you always make such a fuss about being a few minutes late? It’s not like I can predict traffic.”

“Just - give yourself lots of time and get there early.”

“And pay extra for parking? Do you know how expensive airport parking is? Do you think we are made of money? You never appreciated the value of money.”

“Mom!”

“Yes, yes, all right don’t fuss. We’ll be there on time. How is the old dear?”

“Babby’s fine. I think she has had a really good visit.”

“Of course she has. She hasn’t made a nuisance of herself has she? Not said anything embarrassing?”

“Everyone loves her. But I’m sure she’s looking forward to coming home to see all of you. And her dog, she misses Binky”

“That beast has been nothing but trouble. The cat is completely traumatized. That dog widdles on the carpet, and yesterday it widdled on the sofa. How could anyone miss it? You haven’t changed your mind about coming back with her have you?”

“Mom I have a job to get back to.”

“Oh yes. Of course. We all have to work.”

“Mom, I …. " I swallowed hard and plunged in. "Mom, I do miss you.”

“What?”

“I said I miss you. I do. Really. I’ve learned more about the family on this trip and I feel so far away.”

“You are far away. You live far away.”

“I know. But I can still miss you all.”

“Well then ok, but whose fault is that?”

“Mom, why do you have to be so…?” I stopped, breathed deeply and started again. “Look, why don’t you consider coming to London in the spring? We could go shopping, out to a nightclub, a concert. It would be great to spend time with you. And you’ve never seen my flat.”

“You’re not the only one with a job you know. “

“You could take some time off, I’m sure. You have holiday time banked and you’ve always said there are less funerals in spring. And your understudy could use the opportunity I’m sure.”

“Won’t you have to work?”

“Yes, but I could take a few days off. Or I might even be between jobs then. And there are evenings and weekends. We don’t have to spend every minute together. You could explore London.”

“On my own? Wandering around that great big city alone?”

“No not alone. You don’t have to do anything alone. I could go with you. I’ll take time off. I told you.”

“What would I pack? I have no clothes.”

“You have a black dress. Bring that. No one wears anything but black in London anyway. And we’ll buy you more clothes.”

“I’d have to ask your father. He might think it’s a bit extravagant. Going off to London on a whim. It will look flighty. What would people say about me just going off to London?”

“Mom you’ve never asked Dad about going anywhere before. That’s a cop out. If you don’t want to come just say so.”

“I am not going all that way just to be left on my own in a strange city.”

“For goodness sake, I’m not going to leave you alone. My God Mom what are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of ….being….

“What? What is it Mom? Just say it.”

“….invisible.”

Well, I wasn’t expecting her to say that. “Invisible!”

“You’ll spend all your time with your friends and your job and your life. I’ll just be there in a corner, invisible and ignored. Now don’t get huffy, you always ignored me, whenever I was out with you. You always did. You never gave me one jot of attention whenever I was with you. Whenever I took you anywhere you wanted nothing more than to say goodbye and get away from me. I don’t want to come all the way to London and end up being the invisible mother.”

“Mom is that what you think? It’s not like that. It was never like that. Invisible! My goodnss, that's what I wanted to be most of the time myself. You always made such a fuss, always getting me to classes late, always making me so embarrassed. Fixing my clothes, telling me what to say, what everyone will think of you if I do something wrong. Talking too loud. I didn’t want the attention. I hated all the attention. Why did you always try to put so much more attention on me than on the others?”

“Sidney and Sam were different. They were fine, they had each other, they were like each other. But you were mine. I saw me in you. Everyone said so. Didn’t you see it?”

“Me? Like you? I’m nothing like you. You’re beautiful. Ok, I guess we both have brown hair and brown eyes, but I never…. I never thought…. How can you possibly use that as an excuse for being so overbearing? I felt trapped – it was so intense. You never left me alone. ”

Mom was continuing, talking quickly, as if she couldn’t stop herself. “You stayed in your own world, never letting anyone else in. Never letting me in. I tried to get a reaction from you. Something, anything. You never reacted about anything. Never told me what you really thought or felt. Just turned and walked away. You walked away as a child and then when Andrew died and even after. I wanted you to know, but I didn’t want to hurt you. Didn’t want you to think it was my fault. Didn’t want you to go even further inside yourself.”

I answered. “I was always afraid of being told I was wrong, or stupid, or different. I felt like such an outsider. An outsider in my own family.”

“All tied up in knots. And there was no way you would let someone help untangle them.”

“But the more you tried to get me to react the more I retreated.”

“All I wanted was, what is it you kids say these days? Validation. If you just validated my presence I’d have been happy. Well, satisfied anyway.”

“Oh Mom. Don’t. Don’t cry. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know. I just saw you making a fuss of me and I wanted to get away from it. I never knew what to say. I was awkward. Felt awkward. Shy. So I guess I said nothing.”

“And I saw you, my child, the child most like me, the child I needed most, hating to be anywhere near me.”

There was a long pause. I could hear her breathing through a handkerchief and imagined the mascara runs, and my heart hurt. I’d been sitting and now I stood up.

“May is the most beautiful month in England. Come in May. I need to talk to you. I want to ask your advice about something. About a guy. And a new job. And to talk about other things. I want to know everything. I’ll call you as soon as I get back to London and we can start planning. I promise. I’ll call you as soon as I get back. I promise. Bye Mom, bye.”

I was a bit dazed as we finished the last of our packing. My heart felt full. Looking at Babby I wondered if she knew what I now know and decided that even if she does know, it is something between my mother and I to discuss. And I need time to process it all before I talk to Mom.