We set out in damp. Grey wisps floated between the hills, and Machu Pichu was soon swallowed up by atmosphere. The beauty pained me and I hung back to get one more look, to hold it in my memory. It didn’t have the feel of a ‘golden second’ though. I wonder if I have used them all up.
The trail was clear, well trodden by others, and we climbed higher and higher, through rough gates, up steep stone stairs and along precarious edges. There are seven of us in total, two other travelers, one leader and two others carrying food and other luggage. We tried to strike up a conversation with the other two travellers, two women from New Zealand, but they weren’t very keen on talking. We reached over the first high pass at Phuyupapmarca “Cloud Level Town” at around 5 o’clock and set up our beds nearby. A fire was prepared and dinner was handed out, along with cups of hot coca tea. The water took no time to boil at this altitude. One of the kiwis opened a bottle of soda and it shot into the air, bubbles fizzing and roiling. I could feel the thinness of the air myself and had taken sips of water every few minutes all day. Dinner comprised a stew of potatoes and corn and a small round of stale flat bread. The “Trail mix” would not have appreciated it, but it was welcome to us. There was a moon, washing silver light over us, defining inky mountain silhouettes against the starry sky. I sat nestled next to Hamish spellbound at the beauty, me with a bottle of water and he with a beer. He was right, as usual, this was a good idea.
The trail was clear, well trodden by others, and we climbed higher and higher, through rough gates, up steep stone stairs and along precarious edges. There are seven of us in total, two other travelers, one leader and two others carrying food and other luggage. We tried to strike up a conversation with the other two travellers, two women from New Zealand, but they weren’t very keen on talking. We reached over the first high pass at Phuyupapmarca “Cloud Level Town” at around 5 o’clock and set up our beds nearby. A fire was prepared and dinner was handed out, along with cups of hot coca tea. The water took no time to boil at this altitude. One of the kiwis opened a bottle of soda and it shot into the air, bubbles fizzing and roiling. I could feel the thinness of the air myself and had taken sips of water every few minutes all day. Dinner comprised a stew of potatoes and corn and a small round of stale flat bread. The “Trail mix” would not have appreciated it, but it was welcome to us. There was a moon, washing silver light over us, defining inky mountain silhouettes against the starry sky. I sat nestled next to Hamish spellbound at the beauty, me with a bottle of water and he with a beer. He was right, as usual, this was a good idea.
“A peso for them? I asked.
“My thoughts? They’re in Dubai.”
“Dubai?” I sat up surprised.
“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about what that engineer we met on the bus said. Remember? I can’t stop thinking about it. He wasn’t the first to tell me about that area, what’s gong on there, the challenges, the creativity. I love the idea of reinventing an old world. I’ve never really spent much time in the Middle East and I think it could be a fascinating place. And you know how much I like Vegas!”
“Well, maybe there’s a project you could get involved in.”
“Mmmm. I’m thinking of spending maybe more time there than for just one project.
More surprises. “You mean set up camp there?”
“Well, maybe. For awhile. Just to have a bit of fun and stretch my mental muscles. Get it out of the system, then move on to somewhere like here, or in Africa or Asia, somewhere that needs the work done. Have the party and then help the clean-up as it were. What do you think?”
I’d never before considered the Middle East as a place to live. Even visiting as a woman is hard, but then no doubt it is like everywhere else, some parts easier than others. I paused, wanting to change the subject until my mind could catch up. “Just look at this view. It’s lovely.”
He wrapped me in his arms. “It is. Satisfied?”
That was an odd word to choose, I thought. I don’t think I could say I was exactly satisfied.
I’d never before considered the Middle East as a place to live. Even visiting as a woman is hard, but then no doubt it is like everywhere else, some parts easier than others. I paused, wanting to change the subject until my mind could catch up. “Just look at this view. It’s lovely.”
He wrapped me in his arms. “It is. Satisfied?”
That was an odd word to choose, I thought. I don’t think I could say I was exactly satisfied.
“Well, I’m happy right now, right here.”
“That’s what I said.”
“No you asked if I was ‘satisfied’. It’s a different thing.”
“So you’re not satisfied?”
“That sounds like I’m unhappy. I’m not. Really, right now I am completely and utterly happy to be here with you.”
“That’s what I said.”
“No you asked if I was ‘satisfied’. It’s a different thing.”
“So you’re not satisfied?”
“That sounds like I’m unhappy. I’m not. Really, right now I am completely and utterly happy to be here with you.”
“But not satisfied. It didn’t work then.”
“You are like a dog with a bone. Happy is good.” Then I sat up and looked at him, “And what do you mean by “it didn’t work then”? What didn’t work?”
“Our cunning plan.”
““Our?” Who’s “our”?”
He looked sheepish, as if I’d caught him in a lie. “Well, me and Phil.”
“My Mother! What does she have to do with it?”
“Well, she suggested it. This trip I mean. And the Inca Trail. Can you believe it? Your mother knew about the Inca Trail. She’d heard about it from some friend of hers who had a daughter who read about it and said how wonderful it would be. Your Mom thought you might like it too. Especially as you’d been unhappy for a while. About…well, you know. Just unhappy.”
“You planned this with my mother?”
“You are like a dog with a bone. Happy is good.” Then I sat up and looked at him, “And what do you mean by “it didn’t work then”? What didn’t work?”
“Our cunning plan.”
““Our?” Who’s “our”?”
He looked sheepish, as if I’d caught him in a lie. “Well, me and Phil.”
“My Mother! What does she have to do with it?”
“Well, she suggested it. This trip I mean. And the Inca Trail. Can you believe it? Your mother knew about the Inca Trail. She’d heard about it from some friend of hers who had a daughter who read about it and said how wonderful it would be. Your Mom thought you might like it too. Especially as you’d been unhappy for a while. About…well, you know. Just unhappy.”
“You planned this with my mother?”
“Don’t be so surprised. We talk a lot, Phil and I. We worry about you. We want you to be happy, to be satisfied with life, to be comfortable in your own lovely skin. That was her word actually. “I think this will satisfy her,” she said to me.”
A red heat lit up my cheeks, and images flashed into my mouth. “You were in cahoots with my mother. What did you think you’d all get out of it? A happy little wifey? No, a ‘satisfied’ little wifey? Poor wifey, who is so needy she needs other people to plan her life for her. Her travels, her life, her work, her future? Or were you going to ensure I was ‘satisfied’ before telling me some awful news? Here you go honey, here’s the trip of a lifetime and oh by the way I’m leaving you?”
“What?” Hamish looked as if I’d hit him with a frozen fish.
“This is all about the children thing isn’t it? I’m unhappy because we can’t have children. There, I’ve said it. And my mother is unhappy because I can’t give her the grandchildren she wants so desperately. Oh I know she wants them. She goes gooey at the sight of a pair of tiny shoes. She talks about all her friend’s grandkids and sighs that Sidney’s are so far away. I know she wishes they were closer so she could be with them. Telling me all the time, don’t worry so much, don’t work so hard, just relax, if you relax it will happen, I just know it. As if she knows what it’s like.” I was choking, sputtering, the night’s charm dispelled into dust.
A red heat lit up my cheeks, and images flashed into my mouth. “You were in cahoots with my mother. What did you think you’d all get out of it? A happy little wifey? No, a ‘satisfied’ little wifey? Poor wifey, who is so needy she needs other people to plan her life for her. Her travels, her life, her work, her future? Or were you going to ensure I was ‘satisfied’ before telling me some awful news? Here you go honey, here’s the trip of a lifetime and oh by the way I’m leaving you?”
“What?” Hamish looked as if I’d hit him with a frozen fish.
“This is all about the children thing isn’t it? I’m unhappy because we can’t have children. There, I’ve said it. And my mother is unhappy because I can’t give her the grandchildren she wants so desperately. Oh I know she wants them. She goes gooey at the sight of a pair of tiny shoes. She talks about all her friend’s grandkids and sighs that Sidney’s are so far away. I know she wishes they were closer so she could be with them. Telling me all the time, don’t worry so much, don’t work so hard, just relax, if you relax it will happen, I just know it. As if she knows what it’s like.” I was choking, sputtering, the night’s charm dispelled into dust.
“She’s just trying to be supportive. Upbeat.”
“Upbeat! How about in denial? Reminding me that it’s my fault and making me feel there’s something I could do that will make it all good again. That if I only ‘relax’, I could have a house full of kids. That perhaps if I was ‘satisfied’ with everything ….” A completely unbidden though oozed into my head, like a stream of deadly night venom, a green noxious cloud of suspicion. “Or maybe she wants you to leave me. She knows it’s my fault. That I can’t have kids but that you could. You could still have a family, with someone else. Take me on a lovely trip. Let me down easily. Be your best friend and then she could be part of your future family. A surrogate grandmother. Maybe she’s got someone in mind. This friend’s daughter who loved Peru? Is she single?”
“What, did you take a crazy pill or something?”
“Upbeat! How about in denial? Reminding me that it’s my fault and making me feel there’s something I could do that will make it all good again. That if I only ‘relax’, I could have a house full of kids. That perhaps if I was ‘satisfied’ with everything ….” A completely unbidden though oozed into my head, like a stream of deadly night venom, a green noxious cloud of suspicion. “Or maybe she wants you to leave me. She knows it’s my fault. That I can’t have kids but that you could. You could still have a family, with someone else. Take me on a lovely trip. Let me down easily. Be your best friend and then she could be part of your future family. A surrogate grandmother. Maybe she’s got someone in mind. This friend’s daughter who loved Peru? Is she single?”
“What, did you take a crazy pill or something?”
Hamish looked at me with genuine concern and my insides disappeared, replaced by frost, a lump of solid ice. My throat was tight and constricted, the way it gets when I am too emotional. I tried to swallow it away so that I could talk, keep in control. I was breathing fast, too fast, and my words were getting caught. “I can’t help….. my body. You don’t …..have to…pretend. Maybe….maybe….you could….I wouldn’t ….interfere…in your way. But …my mother? ….If……you’d only ….talked…”
and then suddenly my breath wouldn’t work. There was no air getting in at all. I stood up, flapped my arms and looked around in panic, my mouth opening and closing but I could not breathe. My eyes started to see only the night sky, the blackness. I started to feel dizzy.
Knowing right away I was in real trouble, Hamish stood up, took hold of my shoulders and repeated firmly “Sit down. Sit. Down.”
I just looked at him gasping, my lungs burning, flapping like a demented pigeon.
He slapped my cheek and I was stunned. “Sit. Down.”
I sat.
“Ok, listen to me. Breathe out. Do you hear me? Just breathe out. Not in. Breathe out!”
With effort I pushed air out and immediately felt a rush of pain. I closed my eyes and clutched my chest while gulping air, eyes closed, all the while feeling Hamish’s hands on my shoulder and hearing him repeat, “Ok push out. Slow breath in. Slow! Now push it out.”
My body slowed down, and took in what it had done to itself. What an utter fool I am! What an idiot, having to be told how to breathe. I really started to cry then. I’d as good as told this man to leave my life and then he’d saved it. I said nothing, could say nothing, but clasped his shirt and pressed my face to his chest, sobbing and breathing in air, then pushing it out amid drool and tears and snot, all my body’s functions now working overtime. I didn’t much care what I looked like. Good thing too.
Knowing right away I was in real trouble, Hamish stood up, took hold of my shoulders and repeated firmly “Sit down. Sit. Down.”
I just looked at him gasping, my lungs burning, flapping like a demented pigeon.
He slapped my cheek and I was stunned. “Sit. Down.”
I sat.
“Ok, listen to me. Breathe out. Do you hear me? Just breathe out. Not in. Breathe out!”
With effort I pushed air out and immediately felt a rush of pain. I closed my eyes and clutched my chest while gulping air, eyes closed, all the while feeling Hamish’s hands on my shoulder and hearing him repeat, “Ok push out. Slow breath in. Slow! Now push it out.”
My body slowed down, and took in what it had done to itself. What an utter fool I am! What an idiot, having to be told how to breathe. I really started to cry then. I’d as good as told this man to leave my life and then he’d saved it. I said nothing, could say nothing, but clasped his shirt and pressed my face to his chest, sobbing and breathing in air, then pushing it out amid drool and tears and snot, all my body’s functions now working overtime. I didn’t much care what I looked like. Good thing too.
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