We had a long wait for our train to Dijon, so I offered to sit by the bags while Niki went off to do a final bit of shopping, as a sort of way to make up for last night. I read that Dijon is where the dish Coq au Vin comes from, so we decided we just had to go there and try it. She was gone a long time, but I read my map and watched all the people pass by and made up stories about them until she came back looking satisfied with her purchases. Once on the train she went on and on about Marcel before finally changing the topic. Then we talked about our futures.
Niki has always determined to be a lawyer. She’ll be good – she has strong opinions, she likes to talk and she likes to win. She’s also vowed never to be poor and being a lawyer will help with that. Sometimes I wonder how it is we are friends. I would far rather find something I love to do instead of something that pays well. But I can’t decide what that will be. Mom and Dad are dead set for me to go into ‘one of the professions’ as they call it, medicine or law, ‘respectable and secure careers’ that they can be proud of. Why do such things have to be measured by how they look to other people? I’d rather sit by myself in a room reading maps. I wonder if I could get a job reading atlases, or making them. That would be cool! After all, someone has to make them, but I suppose I'd better do some research on it before suggesting it to Mom and Dad. The time I told them I was more interested in becoming a cartographer or a travel agent instead of a lawyer or doctor, my Dad looked like I’d hit him. Mom wailed “A travel agent? You are in university and you want to be a travel agent? Do you know how I longed for the opportunity to go to a university? How your father and I sacrificed our own dreams to bring up three children so that they could have the opportunities we couldn’t? And this is how you repay our sacrifices? A travel agent? You’ll spend your life going off to dangerous countries where you’ll get horrible food and even more horrible diseases.”
“You can still travel in your vacations,” my Dad added. “Doctors and Lawyers (he always says them like they start with capital letters) get three or four weeks off every year. That’s more than enough time to go off holidaying.” I wanted to say being a travel agent wasn’t necessary the thing I wanted to do - I just want options - but I didn’t say anything.
“The person who spends the money gets a say in how it’s spent,” Mom added.
“With dedication and hard work you are bright enough to handle Law and Medicine if that's why you're concerned. Don’t bring this up again. It upsets your mother.”
I don’t think I’d ever heard my Dad say anything like this before and it made me uneasy. He usually leaves this sort of discussion to Mom, who likes to have the last say. Well, yes they are spending some money on my tuition, but Babby gave me the same amount. And I pay for my own books and clothes and room and board and transportation. I have two part-time jobs. And I’m the one who has to live the result. I do enjoy going to university, where I can be more anonymous than I was at high school, but I don't want to go there just to come out with some piece of paper and job security in something I cannot bear and that I will feel obligated to do for the rest of my life. I want to learn about so many different things, and maybe discover what my life passion was. I haven’t found it yet; it’s only my first year.
It's so unfair. There were no fireworks when Sidney decided not to go to college but to work in an office so that she could find a husband. She even said so right out loud. All she wants out of life is a husband and a house. Over and out. And Sam wants to live her entire life living with a big bunch of dogs, somehow, and that seems ok with everyone too. Why does having to do something ‘respectable’ fall on me? Just because I’m the only one that wants to go to university? Why is it about what they want for me and not about what I maybe want for me? Babby quietly tells me that whatever I decide to do is ok by her as long as I do something. She tells me how proud she is that at last someone in ‘this damned boring, stupid family’ has any sort of ambition at all. And this from a woman whose son is a scientific researcher! Maybe she was referring more to the boring and lacking ambition bit and less to the stupid bit.
Mom has always treated us all differently. She is always talking to Sidney as if she’s her best friend. Of course Sidney tells her everything and always asks Mom for her advice and Mom loves that. But Sam never asks Mom anything, just tells her what she has decided to do, or when she is going to get home, or what she is going to wear, or who she is going out with, and Mom seems to love that too and acts all easy-breasy and casual with her. “I have such a special relationship with Sam,” she tells everyone. “Our communication is on a deeper, emotional level. ‘Off to the arcade now dear? No, we won’t wait up. Have a lovely time.’ ” With me she fusses and hovers. She hangs by my bedroom door and is always looking for an excuse to come in but hardly ever does, except when I’m not there. I can always tell she’s been in my room while I’ve been out, but she denies it if I ever say anything and makes it sound like I'm the untrustworthy one. Everything I say gets corrected. Everything I wear is critiqued. Every book I read is questioned. Everyone I spend time with is discussed. It’s suffocating. Maybe that’s why I don't go out on dates or hang out with friends. It’s bad enough to feel shy about the whole dating thing, but to have someone analyze every last detail would be unbearable.
I guess that’s just the way she is; Mom treats most everyone differently, not only us. She is charming, I’ll give her that. She’ll link arms with a complete stranger and confide all sorts of terrifying things about other people until either she gets confidences in return or the other person doesn’t play the game and she moves off to find another confidante. She always seems to be part of a group but I've noticed she never seems to have a real friend. I think she’s too needy. Niki says it's because she’s so beautiful. People are attracted to beautiful people and beautiful people have special powers over others. Niki would know I suppose. I certainly wouldn't.
Sometimes it’s hard having a beautiful mother when I’m so obviously not, and especially when I’m the only one in the family who even barely favours her with us both having brown hair and eyes. It's like I let Mother Nature down as well. My sisters can smile and toss off the other stuff or throw it back to her, but I can’t. I always feel stuck in the middle. I know Mom’s parents didn’t support her singing career, or even her continuing to work after she got married. And I also know that she is probably petrified my desire to travel will take me to Madagascar or Botswana or someplace and I'll die of fever, like her brother, and tell myself to be more sensitive, but she seems to have forgotten that she did what she wanted to do against her parents’ advice and won’t allow me the same freedom of choice.
I’m sure they both hope Niki will sway me in the direction of law, but I expect her influence will be felt with more earthy matters. Niki is now contemplating becoming a sex therapist instead. “There’s good money in that. And think of the fringe benefits!”
I really do have to decide something for myself soon. Our second year starts in only a few weeks and I have to pick electives that fit into my major and I still have to choose the major. While we sat on the train, Niki dozed and I looked out of the window. In the next compartment there was a group of little kids. They were all talking at once and I couldn’t help smiling to hear them. Maybe I could become a teacher, to start with anyway. Mom and Dad would probably be satisfied – teaching is a perfectly good, respectable profession. Maybe I could be a Social Studies teacher, then I could justify buying all the maps and charts I want. The idea of standing in front of 30 kids and talking all day is a little scary though. I must have been talking out loud instead of to myself and Niki snorted awake. “A teacher? Standing up in front of a bunch of ankle biters all day long? I can’t think of anything more repugnant. Just listen to that racket in the other compartment. Someone should say something. They are causing a disturbance.”
“But listen to them. To what they say. It's always so fresh and original and honest. Don’t they make you laugh?”
“Only when they get smacked.”
“That's harsh! I think children are fascinating. The way they think and work things out.” I slyly added, “and children are the future of the world.”
Niki rolled her eyes as I knew she would. “Not my future! Ye gods, what a horrible thought.”
I sighed. “The only horrible thought is what do you do with them all day every day? All those eyes and expectations on you all the time.”
“Well I guess teaching would be one way of getting over that shyness nonsense of yours. It’s really annoying you know. It cramps my style, and it’s so immature.”
I said nothing in reply and just looked out the window, hoping I wouldn’t start to cry.
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