chapter 7 - ending

Three days of sloth. I am going nuts. The library has three mangy books, all in Chinese. The only activities seem to be smoking, spitting and playing mah jong in a room full of smokers and spitters. Of course Hamish is in his element. All he does is drink beer and sleep. I’ve never seen anyone sleep so much. The food is disgusting, but at least we can buy biscuits. And huge cold bottles of beer of course. I sit on the sturdiest deck chair I can find, play solitaire, reread books and watch the sea roll by until the sun sets red into the smog.

Remembering a romantic old sailors’ theory that the moon sprang from the Pacific Ocean while the earth was still young, I turn to tell Hamish and see he’s fast asleep and snoring heavily. I look at him and wonder what am I doing? He’s so lazy, a big kid most of the time, shambling around with a smile on his face as if he’s listening to some private joke. I never know what he is thinking. And when I think I do know he comes out with something totally surprising. We don’t have the same kind of sex anymore, passionate and prolonged, not able to keep our hands off each other until exhausted and sweaty. It’s more - controlled.

His suitcase is a mess, an absolute tumble of clothes so that he always looks rumpled in everything he wears. And he never seems bothered by it. He’s lost half his clothing, his toothbrush and his razor. I always have to lend him my things, pick up after him, remind him to replace things. I’m getting tired of it. Truly fed up.

Thank goodness some of the other backpackers are friendly and we have discussions that last for hours, suddenly realizing afternoon has become night. We all drink copious amounts of tea just for the pleasure of getting thermoses filled and using a loo that flushes. Sometimes we play scrabble. If it weren’t for them I’d have no one to talk to. Everyone asks me about Hamish as if he’s the only thing of interest. How do they even know he exists except as a big napping lump? And a presence at dinner of course where he charms everyone and they all laugh and joke with him, telling him how they admire his choice to go back to school, encouraging his newly emerging spirit of adventure. Not one person asks how I feel about his impending exodus. Sometimes I can barely look at him without feeling miserable.

Tonight, our last night, there was a party in lounge #3. I convinced Hamish to stay awake and go, and with high hopes we entered the salon to find a tape player playing slow, bad music that three couples and one single lady were dancing to in a rather cheerless manner. The music was often interrupted by individuals who got up to sing. The Chinese passengers’ love of song is amazing. They will sing at the drop of a hat, preferring Western songs, which is unfortunate because they are terrible singers of Western music. I would have loved to hear local music sung by people who understand it.

“You got me up to see this?”

“It’s our last night on the boat.”

“Oh good they’ve got beer. Would you like one?”

“Why do you always have to have so much beer?”

“There’s nothing else. It’s hot, I’m thirsty and there are only a few more days in which to savour cheap, Chinese beer. I like beer. What’s the problem?”

“Nothing, it’s just that…I don’t remember you drinking this much at home.”

“Maybe you weren’t watching. And I have to get my palate ready for Germany.” He smacked his lips.

“You sound like you’re really looking forward to it.”

“I am. Of course I am. Now that I’ve made the decision I can’t wait to get started. I never felt this way before, looking forward the next phase of my life.”

I don’t know what made me come out with it now. I planned to do this later, to make things easier, to make a clean break. But something inside lashed out. A demon perhaps. Or a malevolent sprite. Or maybe my true self, bubbling up.

“I guess there’s nothing stopping you going over early.”

“Early?”

“Yes, you know, to find a place to live, get sorted out, meet people there, that kind of thing.”

“Well, I don’t need too many days for that. I can probably set up someplace to live pretty easily from England.”

“Oh but wouldn’t you prefer to do it in person now that you know how much fun it is to go to new places?”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” he asked smiling.

I did not smile back and his own smile faded. “I…I don’t understand.”

“I think it’s obvious.” I did smile then but it felt sickly. “I’ll make it easier for you. You are free. You have no ties.“

He flushed. “What do you mean? Are you feeling ok?”

“I’m fine. It’s pretty straight forward. You don’t have to think of yourself as being in a relationship. You can feel free to meet whoever you choose. Go wherever you want. If you fall in love, then that’s fine. You don’t have to consider my feelings on the subject. We’ll just remain friends.”

I felt my voice wobble at his look but was damned if I’d let him see me back down. I stood up. “I’m going to walk around the deck and watch as we moor in Hong Kong harbour. No, don’t get up. And don’t wait up, I’ll see you in the cabin. I’m almost packed up anyway, so we can go straight from the boat to the airport whenever you are ready.”

He was speechless and I was able to quickly make my escape. I could feel the tears beginning and I wanted them invisible in nighttime darkness, no spectators. I just know he’s going to want to talk about this tomorrow but I am determined to remain silent and just get back home. Then we can go our separate ways. Doing it this way, now, will be so much easier. Prolonging the separation would break me apart in slow pieces. A quick break is best. Then he can get on with his life and I can deal with what I have to. But I wish it wouldn’t hurt so much. I wish I didn’t see the hurt on his face replaying in my head. Maybe I can change airplane seats so we’re not sitting together.

I sat on the edge of a holey wicker chair, feeling awful. I tried to tell myself it’s really relief I’m feeling, that it’s better for both of us. Endeavouring to put tomorrow aside, I watched the approaching lights of Hong Kong sparkle through the darkness. As the night slowly became grey with dawn’s approach I tried to let the city’s beauty calm me.